Obsolete Commentary

Weddiquette : The Ceremony

The wedding ceremony is the most important part of the couple’s big day. It is the time when they will profess undying love for one another, formally be declared husband and wife, and be united as one. It’s also the time when a single slip-up by a wedding guest can scar the bride and groom forever. Read on to learn how to avoid such a disaster.

Q: What should I expect at the ceremony?
A: While they vary by religious and cultural tradition, weddings usually include the following segments:
1. The “Waiting for the Bride to Appear” part
2. The “There She Is! The Bride!” part
3. The “Isn’t the Bride Looking Beautiful and Doing and Saying Beautiful Things Up There at the Altar?” part
4. The “Hey, Look! The Bride Is Walking Back Up the Aisle with What’s-His-Face” part

Some ceremonies contain a fifth segment, the “Why Is the Bride [Puking / Fainting / Holding a Gun / Not Here]?” part. These are generally not good ceremonies.

Q: Where should I sit?
A: In order to save guests from worrying about where to sit, the bride and groom will appoint several individuals as ushers to escort you to the appropriate seat. Unfortunately, “usher” is pretty far down on the list of roles for friends and relatives, and the position is often given to slower individuals who can’t be trusted with a responsibility during the actual ceremony. The result is that the usher will often seat the bride’s high school teacher in the first row, while leading the bride’s brother to the back of the church, right behind the dumpster.

Q: That sounds kind of fun. How can I get selected to be an usher?
A: As a reader of Obsolete Vernacular, you’re well on your way.

Q: What do I actually have to do at the ceremony?
A: For most guests, it’s pretty simple. Your only job is to do one of three things:
1. Smile
2. Cry
3. Smile and cry
Looking uncertain about when to sit and stand is strongly encouraged, but not required.

If you are especially close to the bride or groom, however, you may be given a special role. See the chart below to identify your chances of being selected and your responsibilities in each role.

Role … Prerequisites … Responsibilities

Bridesmaid … Be one of the female friends of the bride who would bitch the most about not being selected for this role … Smile and look pretty

Groomsmen … Be a male who would be fun at a bachelor party … Wear a tuxedo

Reader … Have vocal chords and be literate … Read the reading

Usher … Have a pulse and be mobile … Ush the ushing

Flower girl … Be the cutest little girl under the age of ten that the couple knows or can afford to rent … Throwing beautiful rose petals and temper tantrums all the way down the aisle

Ring bearer … Be responsible enough to be guardian of the wedding rings (which cost thousands of dollars and are the most visible sign of the couple’s love) and be under ten years old … Lead a rag-tag group of mystical creatures to the ends of Middle Earth on a quest for self-knowledge and adventure

Q: My friend just told me I’m supposed to be in the “procession.” What does that mean?
A: It means that you will be part of the formal entrance of the bridal party. Procession comes from the Latin root process, meaning “to walk down an aisle” and the suffix ion, meaning “looking as if your back had been surgically bonded to a metal pole and you’re trying not to let anyone know that there’s a weasel in your underpants.”

Q: Any hints I should know about how to process in?
A: The key to being a good processor is to go extremely slowly. It might feel awkward to you to take such slow, measured steps, but the wedding planner will explain that it actually looks very natural to the rest of the congregation, which is true if the congregation is from the Planet of Arthritic Sloths.

When you reach the front of the church, don’t make the mistake of sitting down. Instead, the members of the wedding party are asked to stand in designated places at the front of the altar in what is called a “flying V” formation. The purpose is to create a perfect opportunity for the photographer to take the same picture that he will snap approximately 320 times before and after the ceremony. It also lets the rest of the guests get a good view of the wedding party so that they can decide which bridesmaid or groomsman to hit on at the reception.

Q: My friend’s wedding is a church service. What if I’m not really religious?
A: You are not alone. Many people are uncomfortable during a religious wedding ceremony, and for a good reason: they haven’t been to church since fifth grade. But don’t worry—neither has the bride or groom. In fact, they are probably atheists. Unfortunately for them, wedding rules dating back to the fifth century state that you must walk down an aisle before taking your vows. So you’re left with basically two choices: the supermarket or the church. And there’s very little seating in Trader Joe’s.

Q: Why does it always take so long to get out of the church after the ceremony?
A: This is because of something called the receiving line, which is a very deceptive name because you don’t actually receive anything at all. In fact, it is simply your chance to stand in line to wish the new couple well and congratulate the parents on having birthed a child that at least one person on earth thinks is a suitable companion.

You will need patience for this line because it adheres to the principle commonly referred to by scientists as W.T.F.I.T.S.L.U.T.?, which holds that everyone in the line you are standing in will take at least four times longer to complete the task you are waiting for than you will. (This principle is especially evident in grocery lines, airport check-in lines, and when waiting in your car to merge around an accident.)

Q: What am I supposed to say when I get to the front of this receiving line?
A: While waiting, many people become unnerved because the slowness of the line suggests that those ahead of you are saying thoughtful comments, having conversations with the parents, reciting poems they composed for the event, etc. Do not fear: short, trite phrases are still very much in vogue at weddings. Some tried-and-true suggestions:

“The ceremony was beautiful! Thank you so much for inviting me.”
“Congratulations! You must be so happy.”
“Is there any way I could change my dinner to the steak? Just realized I made a mistake in choosing the fish.”

The only real danger is that you’ll get stuck behind an especially loquacious old friend of the bride’s mother, leaving you stuck making small talk with an older gentleman and trying not to reveal that you don’t know if he’s the father of the groom or the bride.

Q: Should I organize some kind of rice-throwing event for when the couple exits the church?
A: Throwing rice at the bride and groom as they leave the church is now frowned upon because of the supposed harm it causes to birds’ digestive tracts. Instead, eco-friendly couples encourage tossing Alka-Seltzer tablets and plastic six-pack rings.

Q: This sounds boring. Do I really have to attend the wedding ceremony?
A: Yes. Guests have a vitally important role to play at the ceremony. In addition to helping the couple celebrate the joyous occasion, they also act as witnesses to the couple’s lifelong promises of love. The family and friends at the wedding therefore have a duty to nurture and support this new marriage, a duty that they take about as seriously as their duty to vote in years when Barack Obama is not on the ballot.

© 2008 Obsolete Vernacular.